Off The Deep End
17 Jun 2010 1 Comment
I’m not looking for any advise right now. My mind is not open to that just yet. Could we just have a little pity party for a minute? Because this is all about me anyway.
I hate where I am right now. I know there are people in this world who are much worse off than we are, who don’t have an income at all, but I don’t recall a time in my life EVER when I didn’t have to worry if the bills will be paid, or if we had enough money to feed and clothe the kids. My kids all know how tight money has always been for us, but I’d like to be able to give them some glimmer of hope that it’s relatively short-lived. I hate that I have to use a credit card to buy necessities because we don’t have the money. Then we max out our credit before we can begin to pay anything on a card we can’t even afford the minimum payment. What I’d really like to do, is pay off all those cards. Oh, I’d still keep them, but I don’t want the debt.
I’d like to get some different clothes for work. I’ve been wearing the same ones since I started more than 6 years ago. Some of them even longer. There are other clothing issues that come to mind, but I’m too embarrassed to mention them. That’s all I’m saying about that.
I hear people around me, on a daily basis, talking about going to lunch here, and we went to supper there, and have you ever eaten at that restaurant. We NEVER eat away from home unless you count the times we’ve stopped at Mini-Mart to pick up a honey bun and a soda. Or stopping at Wal-Mart to grab a box of Cheez-Its and a drink to eat on the way home. If on the rare occassion I’m somewhere, and I’m asked where I’d like to eat, I always ask someone else to choose because I’ve not been anywhere except McD’s, BK, Arby’s, and Pizza Hut. Do you know the “new” Pizza Hut in Wheatland was here for more than three years before I was in it?
What really scares me is, what if something were to happen to my mom? God, I miss my mom and I want to see her before I get the dreaded call from Jake. Where would we get the money to be there? I almost wasn’t able to be at my dad’s funeral because we didn’t have a reliable car, among other reasons. Speaking of cars, the A/C hasn’t worked in my car for 3, maybe 4, years now. The passenger door handle on the inside is broken. Thank goodness we can roll down the window and open it by reaching out.
We’ve needed the furnace serviced for probably 10 years, and the little furnace in the dining room hasn’t worked for probably 5 years. The carpet in the dining room should just be ripped up. It should have been replaced 8 or 10 years ago. We’d like to put in laminate flooring. The wall in one of the basement rooms leaks whenever it rains. God only knows what’s causing that.
And what about a just a little something for me? I quit getting my hair cut 3 years ago because I couldn’t afford to take $30 a month from the family available funds. Once upon a time I would get my nails done about every 6 weeks. Since I’ve been playing the mandolin, though, I really can’t have long, beautiful nails like back then, but I’d like my hands not to look like a washer woman’s.
Then there’s my health. The last time I went to the doctor was in October. My A1c was at 9. It should be about 6.5. Which means I don’t have my diabetes in any sort of control. I’m not ready for the doctor’s lecture again. I really should be seeing him every 3 to 6 months…guilt, stress, depression…
I have been walking, and watching what I eat better, but I can’t seem to lose a pound. This causes stress and depression, which, because I recognize I’m an emotional eater (but have little control), causes me to eat. Maintaining is not what I want. I want to lose 20 pounds!
I like my job, I work with some of the greatest women but I hate being there, and all the crap that happens. I’d really like to find a way to be at home, and have a good income. Being away from home depresses me. I never have time to accomplish anything productive.
My hormones must be out of whack. I’m depressed, and moody. I snap at Red all the time. (I really hate that part of all this). Did I mention the depression? I just want to sleep. Sleep helps. At least when I’m sleeping I don’t feel like crap. I just can’t seem to figure out what to do to make me happy anymore.
Jul 11, 2011 @ 10:13:20
It’s been over a year since I posted this. I was asked to read it again and reflect on if there have been any changes, and how I’m dealing with things.
Let’s see, I saw my mom in October, and it was a really good visit. We just hung out at mom’s. It was very relaxing. I still miss her, but I’m better than a year ago.
Then there’s my health. I still haven’t been to the doctor. Our county is implementing a “wellness” program. We hope this keeps our insurance costs down. In fact, I am scheduled for a blood draw day after tomorrow. It’s supposed to be a pretty extensive work up. The depression never really goes away. I’m just not as sensitive to it all the time. It sort of cycles, but nothing I can track.
Basically most everything remains the same. I’m just learning to cope a little better. Just taking life day-to-day.